“Deep Water” is drowning in silliness.

Vic and Melinda Van Allen (Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas) may appear like the perfect couple, however, their loveless marriage is held together by an arrangement where Melinda can have as many affairs as long as she doesn’t leave the family. However, the two begin a string of deadly mind games when her lovers begin disappearing and Vic becomes the prime suspect.

Let’s be real. We all want to watch Deep Water because Ben and Ana dated in real life. Or. At least I did.

And I’m assuming their relationship was just as messy and frustrating as this movie.

Deep Water is an intriguing premise however at the end of the day, it is supposed to be a sexual thriller. And Deep Water is neither sexy nor thrilling — which is shocking considering the film is helmed by director, Adrian Lyne. Instead of feeling like the glossy, erotic thriller of times past like Lyne’s hits, Fatal Attraction or Unfaithful, this feels like a ridiculous and campy Lifetime Movie.

Perhaps this is because the source material is outdated and doesn’t translate smoothly to modern times, or perhaps because the technical elements are insufferable.

Like, jump cutting from a supposedly hot sex scene to a children’s soccer game? A POV rolling down a hill? Close ups on emails?

No way. Too much. I need someone to do a Rifftrax on this as soon as possible.

As far as performances go, Affleck is just going through the motions, like a boorish, brooding, and blander version of his Gone Girl character…or his Bruce Wayne.

Although his only passion seems to be for his snails. And I wish I were kidding. The character literally has snails. As pets? Or science experiments? I don’t know. This detail has me reeling.

de Amas does ALL the acting here — totally unhinged, sex positive, and the life of the party. She’s carrying this crazy film on her back.

At the end of the day, the more invested the viewer is supposed to become, the sillier the narrative gets.

Final Thoughts: Looking for an erotic thriller? Skip Deep Water and go for a classic. Looking for a train wreck of disappointment? Then Dark Water is for you.