Charmless “Artemis Fowl” is far from fantastic.

Artemis Fowl is a young and brilliant criminal mastermind, who embarks on a epic adventure against fairies who may be responsible for his father’s disappearance.  Artemis Fowl is based on the beloved first two novels of the widely popular children’s series by Eoin Colfer. 

Artemis Fowl is another film that made the decision to move from the big screen to streaming services due to the COVID-19 outbreak. 

And boy, was it a smart decision.

For a little background, I missed out on the Artemis Fowl fandom and never read the books.  That being said, I went into viewing this film completely blind, except for knowing at some point, Dame Judi Dench makes an appearance with “elf” ears and a killer Emerald City-like ensemble. 

Although I can only tell you it’s a poor adaptation based on early (and angry) Twitter reactions, I for one was very disappointed being a new viewer introduced to this new world. If this is the start of a franchise, it clearly misses the mark.

Artemis Fowl is a glossy and jumbled mess — all narrated by a grungy Hagrid-looking Josh Gad trying to pull off Christian Bale’s gravely Batman accent.  As a side note, this is also an “accent” Judi Dench adopts, which was truly alarming to hear at first. 

You would think with Kenneth Branagh at the helm of this big-budget extravaganza, we would be in for something truly fantastical.  Sure, it is a visually stunning production with ornate settings and costumes,  but what it succeeds with in visuals, it lacks in solid storytelling.

The overall plot is convoluted, soulless and at times, uninteresting. There is a complete lack of character development and although Gad and Dench are having some fun, the film does not give us anyone to care about. No one has any redeemable qualities, which makes it a really rough watch.

I know I have been leniant during our quarantine time releases, but this is one streaming selection that you may want to skip. 

Artemis Fowl is now streaming on Disney+.

Final Thoughts: Artemis Fowl is a disappointing, hectic, and heartless mess. 

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